Why did you write The Science of Stuck?

When I was in the middle of my own chaos, I needed ONE book (not a stack) that gave me JUST  ENOUGH information to get moving. I needed to find everything in ONE place—when you’re  overwhelmed, digging through multiple books adds more overwhelm. This was the book I could have  really used when I started my recovery. It didn’t exist then. It does now. 

Why did you choose this particular title? 

Most people blame themselves, shame themselves, and use words like “lazy” and “unmotivated” to  describe themselves. There is SCIENCE to explain why we get stuck and how to get moving. Knowing  just a LITTLE bit about the body and the nervous system can do WONDERS for getting us from inertia  to momentum.  

How does your book explore the concept of feeling stuck? 

The Science of Stuck is like reading 15 self-help books in one shot. It synthesizes the best of the best of  the mental health/wellness literature. You don’t need to read that stack of books we all have sitting on  the nightstand – I’ve done the work for you and simplified everything in a super easy-to-digest format. 

This book is a synthesis of the most useful research in the mental health world, plus a few bonus theories  that I’ve designed and implemented with great success personally and professionally. I’ve structured the  book so it can be used at three distinct levels of engagement: 

Level 1: Just the Bottom Line. 

Readers who have no time or focus can simply skip to the end of each chapter. They’ll find the bottom  line points, a quick list of do’s and don’ts, and a suggested exercise that will take 5 minutes or less. Level  1 doesn’t take long—and it is the equivalent of several months of reading. 

Level 2: The Skimmer.  

Readers can skim through whatever chapters catch their eye (in any order) and only read what’s relevant,  plus do the items in the Level 1 approach. This allows the reader to reap the benefits of the book without  having to actually “read” through it in its entirety. 

Level 3: “Tell me all the things.”  

This level is for those who are ready to dive in. At this level readers can read through the chapters (in  any order), snack on the trivia bites in the footnotes, and do all of the suggested exercises.

What do you hope readers learn from your book? 

• The mental health and wellness world often teaches INACCURATE information. 

• You are NOT lazy (“lazy” is a moral judgment – it is NOT a biological reality).

• Anxiety is as necessary to your health as the check-engine light is to your car. It is NOT an  illness. 

• Depression is debilitating but it is NOT a chemical imbalance. 

• Addiction is NOT a disease.  

• Even our most terrifying symptoms make sense in context – you are NOT crazy.

• The parts of yourself that you hate the most are trying their hardest to PROTECT you.

• There is NO such thing as “self-sabotage” – self-sabotage is a maladaptive way we try to  PROTECT ourselves.  

• You DON’T need a biology degree or 10 years in psychoanalysis to understand your brain and  to get yourself moving.  

I was a drug addicted, eating disordered, personality disordered hot mess of a human. I got unstuck and  became a trauma therapist. On paper I may have looked squeaky clean with a shiny Duke University  degree and lots of letters after my name. But I know what it’s like to be stuck.  

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a stack of books sitting around collecting dust. I usually give my  clients quick summaries of all the “good” books so they don’t have to read them. Most people just want  to know what they NEED to know to get moving.  

This book is the compilation of the best of the mental health and wellness worlds. I also include a few  of my own interventions that I designed because none existed. 

Why do we get stuck in the past? In our lives? 

Failure to acknowledge the past dooms us to repeat it. Most of us spend inordinate amounts of time and  energy ignoring the things that we know. We minimize the things that happen to us. Getting unstuck  requires us to honor and validate our experiences. 

Why can’t we think ourselves forward? 

The part of our brain that is responsible for logic and reason is not the same part of our brain that creates  panic and depression. If thinking our way out of stuck worked, we all would be good to go. 

What is the biggest misconception about mental health and trauma? 

The biggest misconception about mental health is that mental health is “all in our minds.” All the positive  thinking in the world cannot heal trauma. Mental health is not a mental process - mental health is a  PHYSICAL process.

Why don’t we do the things we know we’re supposed to, aka procrastination? 

Procrastination is a suboptimal form of self-protection. If we never start that workout program, go for  that relationship, or launch that new business, we don’t have to worry about falling flat on our faces. The  word “procrastinate” is problematic because it implies FAULT rather than describing  FUNCTION. Procrastination is a form of survival physiology — it is NOT a character flaw. 

Why are the words “lazy” and “unmotivated” completely false? 

Our brains are ALWAYS motivated — they are either motivated to survive real or perceived threats or motivated to mobilize in a direction of OUR choosing. When we say, “I’m struggling with motivation,”  what we REALLY mean is, “My brain is motivated by safety right now, and I want it to be motivated  by something else.” 

How can we forgive and be grateful for the difficult things we’ve experienced? 

One important thing to know about forgiveness is that while it is a spiritual ideal, it is NOT required to  heal trauma. Trauma healing is about cueing our brains to register SAFETY and to turn the inner alarm  system off. Forgiveness has NOTHING to do with this process. Being told “you have to forgive in order  to heal” can actually amplify trauma symptoms. Forgiveness is a conscious and rational choice, and a  brain locked in trauma symptoms cannot make rational choices. Trauma healing comes first, and then  the decision to forgive comes after — not the other way around. What about gratitude? Gratitude is  wonderful— as long as it co-exists with TRUTH. 

Why do we need the parts of ourselves we hate? What can we learn from them? 

It is often the parts of ourselves we hate the most that are trying the hardest to protect us. When we get  curious about our inner worlds, we discover that embedded in even our most destructive behaviors are  gifts like creativity, grit and innovation. The more we try to ignore the parts of ourselves we don’t like,  the harder they fight to be heard. Think of trying to ignore a toddler — it doesn’t work. Toddlers need  lots of love, naps and snacks. So do the parts of ourselves we think are “bad.” Our “character flaws” are  neither demons to be slain nor enemies to be conquered. They are the terrified cries of the children we  used to be. 

Why is the word “Overreaction” inaccurate? 

There is no such thing as “overreacting.” If your emotions do not match the situation, that means your  system is reacting to pain from the past or fear of the future. The word “overreacting” is shaming,  minimizing and inaccurate. ANYTIME we respond to a situation with an incongruent response, it is  important to remember that our bodies do NOT lie. If you find yourself reacting in a way that  doesn’t match the severity of the situation, that is a response to an ignored injury from the past or a  perceived threat from the future. We may not always know the reasons WHY our reactions are so huge,  but that does NOT mean there is something “wrong” with us.

Why is anxiety often necessary? 

Without pain receptors, we would never know if a stove is hot, if a knife is sharp, or if we need to go to  the doctor. Without anxiety, our system would no longer be able to have any sense of danger and safety.  Without anxiety, we wouldn’t have the energy to mobilize in the direction of our dreams, to course correct when necessary, or to care about anything. Anxiety is the fuel that makes the change process  possible. I hate anxiety as much as the next person, but life would be really boring without it. 

Is there such a thing as self-sabotage? 

“Self-sabotage” is a myth that keeps us locked in shame. When we engage in what people call “self sabotaging” behaviors, that is an effort by our internal system to protect us from perceived harm. The  intention behind self-sabotage is to create safety— not to cause harm. All change — even positive  change — involves loss, and our internal systems will stop at nothing to protect us from pain, including  acting out with extreme behaviors. Self-sabotage would be more accurately called Suboptimal Self Protection.